Psychotherapy (psicotico)

Song of the moment: Nothing by Nobody


My mother thinks I'm crazy. One morning sometime this week when my sister was giving her a ride to work and me a ride to school, my mom says to me, "I'm sending you to Dr. Greenstreet (our family doctor"


Confused, I said, "Why? I'm not sick. Is it for a physical?"


She replied, while pulling down the mirror/sun blocker as she adjusted it so she could see my face, "I know what you've been saying about me and your sister. We read your diary. We know what you've been writing about: cutting yourself, hurting me and your sister in your dreams, depression."


"You read my diary?!" I cried in shameful shock.


"Well yeah, you just leave it around everywhere in the house. We seriously think there's something wrong with you, because your sister and I have been trying really hard to be nicer to you and to not gang up on you. Haven't you realized that? Haven't you realized our effort on not yelling at you, or getting mad at you? If it really comes down to it, I'll send you to a psychiatrist."


I was silent. I was ashamed that they read my deepest thoughts. I was ashamed that they violated my privacy and had the guts of confronting me about my diary. I could not, did not deny anything, for it was all true... written on the surface of the papers of my deepest friend. I've been keeping a diary ever since I was in sixth grade, never afraid to reveal what is really in my confused little mind. I don't know how many of my diaries they've read, I have two full (normal-looking) notebooks from previous years. The diary that they most likely have read is my newest one, an "official-official" diary that I bought for over 20 dollars from Borders. I hadn't written in it since June, and it was the one place I could run to during the last couple weeks of school in Sophmore year when I was utterly feeling horrible. I was depressed everyday and I didn't even know why. I could not comprehend the complications of the way that my brain and heart works, and it made me sad. I wasn't sure if I knew myself, and I was bitter that no one really made the effort to even try to figure me out. I felt isolated by my family. I always have.


I guess I'm happy that my mom and sister read my diary. I'm still ashamed, for some of the things that I wrote it in are no longer true, for at the moment, I am not feeling the way that I was writing that context at the time. I guess I'm just happy that they finally know how I feel. My family and I have a wierd relationship, but we were never the type that would talk to each other about our "feelings". I hardly know ANY Asian family that does that. I have always craved attention and the typical American Family comfort in having the ability to talk to your parents about almost anything, and they won't beat you with a stick or a belt afterwards. I was just afraid of being isolated even more with my family if I told them how I felt. I'm very suprised how much my mom and sister were willing to help me just by being nicer to me. It's happening right now, too. They're really making the effort to be nicer to me and talk to me. Before I found out what they were trying to do, I felt a little uncomfortable and I tried pushing them away or just plain ignoring them, but somehow my conscience came back to me from years of hiding and I have begun to open up my heart again.


I had missed a day of Analysis this week. I didn't turn in the homework for one night, took the test that I had missed on the day of my abscence but didn't have time to finish it so I totally bombed it, and until today, I was totally behind and I didn't know how to do "Cramers Rule", in which my teacher taught on the day that I wasn't here. The teacher told me that I can come in anytime this week and ask her for help. She was wondering why I didn't do that... and I guess I felt really bad that I was behind on one of my best and favorite subjects, so while she was talking to me and making me feel guilty about that, she asks, "So why haven't you REALLY been comming in for help? You could have gone anytime this week, I would have helped you. You can't just expect people to do everything for you."


With my head down, my eyes getting teary, and as I walked away I said, "I've just been having problems outside of school and I would appreciate it if you wouldn't ask me anything more about it."


After that, I just sat down back to my desk and brought out my book and tried to read. What she said really got to me, and couldn't help it, but tears just started streaming down my face. I tried so hard to control it, but I couldn't so I tried hiding it behind my bangs and my hair as I preceeded to read. The teacher realized what happened, so she became sympathetic after that. She started talking to me in a softer tone and when she asked me a question, she patted my back like what a mother does to her daughter. I really appreciated it, and after class, I stayed in during break and asked her for help. Now, I'm finally caught up and I'm happy.


Escapade try-outs was yesterday. Yesterday was also the day that my mom and sister left for Fresno for my mom's business meeting, where they also picked up my step-dad (he took the Greyhound bus from Las Vegas to Fresno). They left early at 6AM and just came back today around noon. I skipped my zero period class (Government) and now, I'm behind. Again. I also skipped my Italian class yesterday, since the tryouts for Escapade ended at 6PM, right when my Italian class started. Danessa gave me a ride home, we stopped by 7-11 and I bought her a Slurpee. When I got home, I decided that I started off the wrong foot in Italian and I would rather take the beginners course next semester with Ashley, so I could have a better grasp of the material. Plus, a HUGE test happened yesterday, and it would be impossible to to a make-up for it and get caught up in the class. I also have to buy cassettes worth 7 dollars each JUST so I could do my freaking homework. I decided that I really have no money or time right now to continue on with Italian, so I'm just going to drop it and post-pone my Italian studies until next semester, when I feel like I'm really to take it on.


Today, Lorraine and I saw Underworld. It's a kick-ass movie, I absolutely LOVED it. Afterwards, we went to Borders and walked around, where we saw an old friend and chatted for a while. We then headed off the Logos (local bookstore) and browsed around for about 30-45 minutes. I bought three new (technically, used) Anne Rice books and Lorraine bought this book.... forgot what it was called. The then went BACK to Borders, talked for a while, and I finally called my sister for a ride home.


Yeah. Those are the basics of my week. Mock Trial is next Monday, and I only have one topic (a full page argument) to choose from. I've decided that I may make my argument sound good, but the topic really isn't that swell. My current topic is "Teen Angst" and how teens abuse the history of their family and the misery that they've gone through as an excuse to their failure in life, on the other hand, some people are truly forced to live a shitty life due to their horrid living situations with their families. I had a whole outline of how I was going to present it, and it is definitely more unique than the topics that EVERYONE chooses like abortion, war, legalizing drugs. I just wanted to break out of the mold and be different. All they really need is to see you make a good argument, I really don't think the subject of your argument is that important. I mean, why would they care? Your ability to argue is more informative to them than the subject that you choose. Plus, I think they would be more impressed with you making something that's dumb look good, than making something look/sound good that already DOES look and sound good.


I should read now. I really need to finish the two current books I'm reading, and I should do it tonight and do my homework and catching-up tommorow. *sigh* Goodnight.

Amazement (Stupore)

Wow, I am amazed. I actually walked home from Cabrillo College, a trip that would usually cost me a 20-30 minute bus ride. I walked from 6:15 to 7, less than an hour! Amazing! lol. I checked the Yahoo! maps thing on how many miles it is from my house to cabrillo, and it says it's like, 6 miles. Don't believe me? Check for yourself. Yahoo maps are usually really stupid and make you drive around circles trying to find a certain destination, so I asked my mom approximately how far cabrillo was from our house, and she said between 4 and 5 miles (not taking the freeway). Lets see.... Harbor is about a mile from my house, more or less, and it takes me between 20 to 30 minutes walking home from school, but that's with me carrying a backpack that weighs 50 pounds and having to walk over a steep(ish) bridge. o_O;


If I had waited until my mom and sister got home from their bowling thing (and they eventually went food-shopping afterwards), I would have been at Cabrillo until 10:30, calling and calling my house. And that would be bad, because I wouldn't have had the time to do my textbook homework, or do my flashcards for English, and I would be very, VERY pissed off. Even more than I am now.


Oh wait, yeah I forgot to talk talk about my shitty day...


I started my period (haha to guys. I know how much guys hate it when girls talk about their period) yesterday, so obviously, I would be in a bad mood until a couple of days after it blows off. I told my mom about my toothache last night and how it cracked and is now loose. I tried pulling it out myself with a tweeser, but she wouldn't let me and gave me the option of skipping school today to go to an emergency appointment at the dentist. I ended up skipping my zero period class, along with chemistry and art. The dentist injects me with anasthetics as usual, probably a few times since it was the back molar and blah blah blah it was the same tooth where I had my root canal, blah blah they said they shouldn't pull it out since I (and my mom) spent so much time and money getting that root canal, so they decided to just pull out the loose part, leave the root canal thingy in, and schedule me in the future to figure out what to do with it. So now, I have a huge hole in the back of my tooth and I can't chew on the left side of my mouth at all, unless I want sharp pains for a while week.


After my dentist appointment, I called my mom up on her cell phone (who was at the mall, practically right next door to the dentists' office) to come pick me up QUICKLY, so I can make it to the damn Mock Trials meeting (which was in 15 minutes, at 12:30). She said she'd be there right away, and FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER, the time I was supposed to be at the meeting, she arrives. I was like... "WHAT THE HELL! THE MEETING IS STARTING RIGHT NOW!" She was like, what meeting? and I just (lightly) screamed and ranted about how she never EVER remembers anything I do, any of the classes I take, NOTHING. SHe is just a senile old hag. She felt all bad and drove fast (fast compaired to her driving anyways, it was still considered as slow) to my school, as I STOMPED out of the car and slammed the door behind me, running to the meeting for Mock Trial. Ugh... I can be so mean when I'm PMSing. I mean, I'm mean in general, but the PMS just maginifies it.


After lunch, I had Cisco with Lorraine, Ashley, Austin and Jaye. It kind of pissed me off how cocky Lorraine can be at times, and she just likes to shove it in my face when I get something wrong as if she's superior. Just like her mom. Maybe it was because I was having a shitty day, maybe it was because I was PMSing, but her behavior just got to me today and made me just a little bit more pissed off. When school ended, I went to Cabrillo. My Speed Reading class was the best thing that happened to me today. There are sooo many hot guys in that class, it's not even funny. And it's fun, too. I met two girls that seem pretty nice (one more social and "bubbly" than the other), so that's cool. Earlier, I stated that I realized that I didn't really have a way to get home since I didn't have my money with me, but I seriously didn't want to ask them for a dollar fifty or a ride, even though they were really nice. I mean, they would get the wrong impression of me and would think that I was just using them or something. And I hate that. I just generally hate people that use other people for money or materialistic possesions, or for something equally immoral. It's just.... the lowest of the low, in my opinion. I mean, I would probably rather kill a man than use him and/or rob him. But that's just me, though.


My walk home was pretty refreshing, until I hit the big hill from Soquel High to the top at King's Paints. While I was walking that quarter of a mile of a hill, I seriously thought I was going to pass out and collapse onto the middle of the road. My mom WAS going to buy me a Jamba Juice after my dentist appointment, but after me getting all pissed off about being late for the meeting, I refused to take it and told her to just hurry up and drop me off to school. God, I was so pissed off about that. Anywho, I didn't have much to eat today (until I got home, of course) except for the left-over bag of hot cheetos I had in my backpack. Blah... I'm just happy I didn't pass out in some corner where bumbs hung out. Otherwise, I would probably be pregnant right now from being raped and violently molested. Eww.


When I got home, I quickly fixed something to eat, since I was STARVING. I made myself a delicious very home-style grilled cheese sandwich, and boiled myself a pot of Udon. Soooo good. After that, I did my chemistry text-book assignments in front of the t.v. (I didn't want to go upstairs to the computer room, otherwise I would be distractied from my work by talking to people on my buddy list). I then finally got to finish my flashcards, and here I am. My day was just shitty because "natural" things, other than me being a complete idiot and once again, leaving something very vital at home. PMS is just an obstacle that you have to breeze and breathe through, otherwise you would never get through it alive. Or get through it without someone else dying...or something. Damnit, it's almost midnight and I haven't even read my book yet.


I've decided that I write too much. Now, if only I can focus all of this writing energy towards my Mock-Trial argument for the tryouts next week. We are supposed to pick a contriversal subject, arguing BOTH sides for the tryouts. There were close to 40 people (maybe even more) that showed up for the meeting today, and there are only 10 seats available for the team, so competition is going to be HARSH. Although, I heard some whispers in the crowd, some saying "Oh my gosh, look at all these people... I'm never going to make the team, so I guess I'll just quit" and blah blah blah. I sensed other people backing up as well, so there shouldn't be more than 25-30 people at the tryouts. I just need:


1. A good controversal argument
2. Use my "experience" to argue the two main points of the argument, lying to have people earnestly believe what I was saying, and make my entire thesis look good by making really, really good points.
3. Do some research on my topic.
4. Don't slack off and write my argument the day before tryouts.
5. Practice my public speeking
6. Practice my acting (so I can make my argument look good)
7. Read a few books on law that would benefit my argument so I could back-up my points. Gather up statistics on my argument
8. Be sweet while talking to the judges, yet be BRUTAL on the stage/courtroom
9. Try to scare off my "opponents" before the tryouts begin, intimidate them and tell them how hard it's going to be so they'd back out and I would have a better chance of making it. (yes, I am an evil, mischievous bitch. and damn proud of it.)
and finally,
10. Pretend I know what I'm doing.


If I do those ten things before/during the day of tryouts (which is a week from today--next monday), I will DEFINITELY make the team. I just hope, hope, hope I don't slack off because I reaaaally want this. I want it so bad, I'll probably PEE my pants right now. Garrrr.

Idiotic (idiotica)

Song of the moment: The sound of people reading... from Cabrillo's library


Arghhhh I can't believe this. I left my money and my ATM card at home. I have no money whatsoever, I can't take the bus home, I can't get anything to eat, I'm basically stranded here unless I decide to walk home... which is fucking CRAZY, but I could probably do it, and it would take me between an hour and a half to two hours. I don't walk slow, either. Other than walking, my second choice is to stay here until 8 or 9 or 10 and wait for my mom and sister to get home from their bowling league. Crappers. This is really shitty, I tell you. I don't even have my homework here, if I did, I would be all set. But yeah.. I think i'm going to just end up walking home instead of reading here for like, 3 hours because I REALLY need to do my homework, since I forgot to do most of it last weekend since I was too busy slacking off and hanging out at Borders. I don't really know that much people here, (actually... hardly any at all. so far, only acquaintences) so I can't ask for a ride or a dollar fifty for bus money. Plus, I'm not the kind to pan-handle people in my class that i hardly know. Damnit I screwed myself up this time.....

Song of the moment: Mr. Brownstone by Guns 'n Roses



I've decided to post my English homework just because I haven't posted anything I've done in school thus far in this school year and I just started feeling guilty about that, so here ya go. It's nothing much, just a small assignment about carpe diem.


Assignment, CARPE DIEM


The movie Dead Poets Society reflects the images and times of the 1950's. However, this movie sends a message to all of us to make time for living now and not later, hence the message of carpe diem... SEIZE THE DAY! I want you to reflect on what you plan to do in the immediate future to live life to its fullest and seize the day on what "carpe diem" means to you. In the fillowing space or on a separate piece of paper, please compose a 2-3 paragraph exposition of how you plan to live your life to the fullest.


-----


Mil Alba
B7, Gillette
American Lit.
September 15th, 2003

Carpe Diem

Seize the day



Carpe Diem: seize the day. Most of us cringe at the fact of doing whatever you feel like doing, whenever, wherever, no matter how stupid it may be, no matter how many stares you will receive doing it. Shall I explain why? We’re too scared to seize the day, because we’re too self-conscious about what other people think, that we forget to live our lives the way that we want it, subconsciously, secretively, and internally.


Carpe Diem tells me to live my life without having the thought of society looking over my shoulder, judging my every action with great spite and malevolence. Carpe Diem tells me to just go with my subconscious thought, let things flow, and live as if there is no tomorrow. Now, this doesn’t mean I should go out into the world and sky dive off a cliff, it means I shouldn’t have regrets on the things that I do, and the choices that I make, because making a choice is better than not making one at all. At least I could say I lived my life.


Having a carpe diem mind and sense of thought would take a lot of work. You would have to shun out what other people tell you, you would have to be utterly stubborn and not listen to anyone else but yourself, and last of all, you would have to have the strength to be your own person and break out of society’s mold, thus truly seizing the day using your own philosophy of life.


----



Umm, yeah. Moving on. Here's what happened while I was gone this past weekend:


Friday


Ashley and I ended up waiting for Robin at the bus stop next to harbor after school. God damn, it was fucking hot this day. I bought Ashley and Stephanie each an ice cream from the ghetto Mexican ice-cream pusher (pun.. pun) and bought myself a chocolate ice cream stick thing and a snow-cone... in which I haven't had in like, years. Snow Cones and fucking good, yo.


Ashley, Robin and I were dropped off at Ashley's house, where I nagged her to look for her money so we could go watch the movie, Once Upon a Time in Mexico, but we ended up staying at Ashley's house longer and just listened to Bad Religion and some random songs like "Retard Rap" and other stupid FOBBY songs. Ashley's lucky her dad ended up lending her money since she couldn't find her twenty, and he even gave us a ride there so yeah. That saved Ashley's ass from me KICKING IT. I honestly would have killed her if I didn't get to see that movie, har har.


Here is my review of Once Upon a Time in Mexico: Despite the fact that Johnny Depp was only in it for like, 5 minutes total, I was just happy that he was in it at all. The storyline is awsome, lots of merciless and revengeful killing. I loved every minute of it. I forgot what Desperado was about, but I was shocked to find out that Selma Hayek's character died... garr yeah, I won't expose more of the movie's details, so I'll leave it at that. I know this is a shitty review, but I just need to write right now before I read myself to sleep.


Saturday


Woke up, cleaned my "living space" until I was satisfied, took a shower, got a ride to Cabrillo where I bought my book for my Speed Reading class. After Cabrillo stripped me of almost all of the money I had right then, (70 dollars... my mom gave me 80 for the book and for what I payed for my Italian, which was 180 dollars out of my own pocket. I'm basically paying myself into college, I also have to pay for my tuition which sucks ass....) I took the bus to the Boardwalk. I picked up my last and final check (hopefully) from Twisselmans, redeemed my coupons for the Pepsi sponsor thingy (got 75 dollars in Capitola Mall money, and 20 dollars in Safeway money for my mom). I played a few rounds of Initial D, ran into Lexer and Kyle's brother (shit I forgot his name... I think it starts with a B or something), and made fun of Lexer because he sucks on Drum mania.


After that, I walked towards Downtown, where I bumped into Elly and D'Auria. They invited me to go eat with them at Saturn, the BEST vegetarian restaurant in town. I honestly DID NOT know about this restaurant until this last Saturday, and their food is fucking AMAZING. Everything in their menu is either Vegan or Vegetarian, except for their tuna melt. They have various types of burgers, soups, sanwiches, salads.... all vegetarian. It's a little expensive, but well worth it and the people there are great.


After we ate, since they both had their bikes with them, I decided to part ways and go to Borders. There, I bumped into Lexer and Kyle's brother AGAIN. They told me that they were about to watch Cabin Fever in ten minutes, and Kyle's brother asked me if I wanted to come along. Now, unless Lorraine (Or Lexer... forgot who told me) were lying, then Kyle's brother most likely still likes me. I remember Lorra or Lexer telling me just about a month ago that Kyle's brother likes me... or "thinks I'm cute". Garrrr. I kindly refused his offer, and talked to them while sipping my cappuccino until they left. I was at Borders (just reading.... thinking...) for a loooong time. Lexer and Kyle's brother came back to Borders when their movie ended, and was amazed that I was still there. They told me that they were going back to the arcade and then they were going to some lame street race up in San Jose or something... they asked me if I wanted to go with them, but I just stayed. I stayed there until about 9:30 (I was there for like, 5 hours?) and took the bus home.



Sunday


Today, I just went to Borders where I met up with Lorraine. We hung out for a bit, tried getting into Cabin Fever, but the stupid bitch at the cinema asked me for my I.D. which really pissed us off so we just left. We cruised around downtown, ate at Pizza My Heart, where I had the "Tomato and Onion". It wasn't as good as the first time I had it, maybe they cooked it wrong. We ended up back at Borders where we talked, reminiced, and and yeah. I have to admit, I enjoy my conversations with Stephanie more than my conversations with Lorraine. I just feel like Stephanie listens more when I talk, and she contributes a lot more in our "serious conversations". It's just great talking to her and she's a great intellectual delight.


Anywho, I've been blogging for way too long and I just wasted precious reading time. Plus, my mom is kicking me off the computer now so yeah. Buonadotte.